1. |
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scientist, you've been hard at work, i know
you've been digging the earth for weeks in your front yard
have you found the box of bibles i buried there
so long ago i can't remember the litanies and
are you hoping to have a religious experience?
are you hoping to have a crisis of faith in your front yard
for all of your neighbours to see?
your new complicated sexual identity
and what are you gonna name it?
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2. |
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last night i slept with a strange man
he was older than me
he had thick, busy hands
we crawled inside his bed and we took off our clothes
we said nothing to each other
and have i told you how i love to see
a man submit to ecstasy
with all his inhibitions free
and moaning like his mother?*
this house is our house, too
this is our house, too
*this verse is borrowed from diane cluck's song "half a million miles from home" on her album "oh vanille/ova nil"
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3. |
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he slept in my bed after i filled his body
with insects & panic & grandfather sewn seeds
i was useless inside him
trade organs for oceans
is there a vaccine for this?
to clean out all the unborn kids
he broke me good where the landlord left scars
emptied all the bedrooms to reclaim the stretchmarks
we were to our throats in grass
we tore down the treehouses
and our brothers were kindling
for the lovesongs that we couldn't sing
coz we drowned all our songs in the bathtub
you could hear them way up in the rafters
and the preachers sleeping in the attic
stole them all for scripture
we sing nothing, now
our mothers ask us how
we pray with the lights out
for songs to fill our mouths
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4. |
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and i will hunt you down
and i will build you a big big house
and we could sleep in the same bed
no one would have to know
you say what if people start talking?
well you could blame the mess on me
say you don't know who you are
you say someday you're gonna settle down
you're not gonna live your whole life this way
because i have nothing to offer
except folding your shirts
i can't litter your yard with babies teeth
our mattress is just a place to fuck and sleep
it's so easy
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5. |
pharmacy (holy oak)
03:47
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all you are is pharmacy
as in: you split the good parts open
don't you remember?
a good husband and a bad boyfriend
i got hit so hard i saw horses
and we filled the swimming pool with piss
we couldn't hold it
and after all this medication
we all know the end is coming
we all know the end is coming
they're setting fire to the orchards
and all the teenagers are gathered in the woods
they're drinking bleach, it's alright
another box under your bed
filled with pieces of elephants
a school teacher, a good letter grade
sleeping all the sun out
facing the door of your house
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6. |
why fit? (secular hall)
04:31
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i get a late night call
she cries into the speaker
she says: "if i can't make myself a home here,
i guess i don't belong anywhere.
am i still a stranger getting on and off trains?
will anyone ever know my name?
will i find my place?
i feel like something in me will never be good
and i can't shake it."
the map gets larger as you get older
and there's a pin here! here! and there! there!
where are we going?
should we keep roaming?
there must be ways to find comfort in the question mark
in the no answer, in the constant dark
so why do we still want to fit
when the world just just just
just just just rejects us?
well, i'll always be there to answer your call
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7. |
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o my skeleton lover
dancing in my mother's clothes
indelible, no wastrel
flasking through the redwood trees
holding onion peels
and showing your bare chest
watching as my legs turn to wheels
and in my disguise
i am a stranger
the mountains hold their umbrellas high
but o my skeleton lover
i will keep you safe in the leaves
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8. |
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i gave birth to body white
collected to my thighs
held her there between my legs
and brought my knees up high
and she slid out, i don’t know how
you left your meat all in the leaves
gathering sweat from the graves
and you body cistern, i brought you a sister
from what holes i could not crave
but i’ll go and be brave
i only have faith in what is good
i knew a boy who built an aviary
he gathered all the wood that he could carry
i pulled from his chest to get blind from the bees
and we exchanged helium coz we’re tired of ceilings
i found him bucked out like a jarhead
his antlers found seaweed in an ocean bed
and he carried carvings of his own geography
but had he stabbed his own eyes out so he couldn’t see
i said i don’t wanna be your wife
i couldn’t stand to do this my whole life
my breast milk is heavy
and you don’t have the strength to help me with this baby
and when we pull out of each other
i ask you if you can tug me off
you ask me if i can put you out
like “what fire” and “drag the shit from each other”
“all the fluids from your mother”
i can barely stand in your lake disease again
with your vomit up to my waist
and in the hospital they ask me
if i know where your parts go
but i tell them your body
isn’t made from skin they know
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9. |
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i have made too much
room in me
i have
too much
and it's all filling up
with this road in my mouth
how do i spit it out?
he keeps foxes in the freezer
and (((faggotsfuckforever)))
slamming the door shut
just placing the blame on
the part of me that's fucked too much
to say "til death do us part"
what if we could name ourselves
and speak about
being in this stasis
kissing and contagious
stop waiting for the sun to rise
and finally feel safe at night
i want to suck the gold good
and knock on wood
open this door and share this bed
every bad dream in my head
and i want to spit these roads out
and build a whole new house
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10. |
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what did i learn when i burned down the house
who am i now that i am just myself
no more black heirlooms brickwork blankets or yards
just bones hair skin teethmarks and two open arms
where are we wild when we slept on the shore
who are you now and who were you before
coz our bodies lose language and we try to change
withdraw from our habits but we stay the same
warm the stove put the knives away
we won’t need words if we know what to say
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11. |
liturgy (60 main street)
04:22
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you blunt horses
you casper ghosts
your dust jackets
creased sheets cold
auburn wool pockets
carve blossom boats
simple sandpaper
cottered coats
and you became bones
and my brothers will burst into baskets of orange fruit
and my sister will tame all the beasts she holds high
and my mother will break bricks to weather her windows
and my father will worry until he goes blind
and we all will sleep at the bottom of the river
and i'll sing sonata, bring the frost-bite, bury bones
i'll call niagara, down the house lights, and stay home
stop your novels!
catch a cold
stop your novels!
dig your gold
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12. |
i was coerced (donau115)
02:35
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i think i thought that i could kill her
this is what i had been taught to do
but we've been braiding our hair together
and we've been making a prayer together
and we've been graphing a map together
and we've been making it last together
please trust me, don't trust me
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13. |
of hospitals (the boat)
06:00
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look: i ate all the books in your bedroom
and they took my blood and tested it in small doses
as in: over time, they pulled it out
see they took me from the savagery
and the surgery of my own body
we beg in threes, i swallow these: _____
i sing my own gaullimafry
and when sister says "call the police"
that wiseacre ain't getting me
she said they held me down until release
and i scratched my head into the streets
and there's fragments now, all in me
of hospitals, all in me
but they can keep my blood
for as long as they damn well need it
they can break into my house at night
and listen to my secrets
i've been through the fire
yes, i've seen it
so what are waiting for?
we're wolves, we're willing to waste
and we slice each other into steaks
yes oh yes
and we slice each other into steaks
don't we yes
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14. |
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suddenly suddenly
like a brick to the head
caught in bramble, cut my knees
compass clasped at three degrees
she whispered softly just to me
the difference between wasps and bees
and we sucked the venom out of one another
as if to pierce the skin on me
a hymn comes out, so quietly
i memorize the dictionary
though diction has all but failed me
i have read the novels in your black eyes
your zebra stripes
he had my sister in the night again
i heard her howl loud and stark
we made snow angels in the dark
and he reciprocated when he took his cowl off
he dyed my hair to match his
we had to hide our erections
and he put one hand near his head
and made the shape of some weapon
i can't forgive him
no, no, no - not yet
she filled the grocery bags up with lizards and
i put the drill to my head, she the scissors
and my sister is screaming but no one believes her
and the mattress is glistening with blood and with sugar
and we all will sleep at the bottom of the river
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15. |
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it does not get better
it just gets heavier
the days grew darker, shorter
our own worlds weren't enough
to help us stay above the weight of what
the world really was
i saw it in your face
every day when you returned
that no amount of stargazing
would undo the hurt
i wanted to save you
but i was also stuck
if i cannot save you
can we still be in love?
if it does not get better
will you still stay here?
the days grew brighter, longer
we left the house again
we lost our keys, scraped our knees
and forgot our plans
i had a dream you laughed at me
when i asked for help
but you were there when i awoke
and your warmth i felt
still every day nothing changed
i was locked in my head
but you stayed here and dried my tears
on your sleeve and said:
"if it does not get better
at least we'll be together."
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16. |
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if i disappear, i'm lost...
i looked up at the stars
i felt the limits of my arms
crammed with an archive of almanacs
while you, my protector, put your arms on my back
i was wearing the thinnest sweater
in the history of sweaters
please tell me the history of sweaters
the history of being warm
i looked up to the clouds
i felt the language in my mouth
soon on my tongue was a trove of text
i sang it to you then in our arcane dialect
oh amanuensis, did you get this?
let's delve into the atlas so that at least
we don't have to forget all the places we've put our heads
i want to remember it exactly
but it can't be
cross the crags and valleys
if you can't find me
i want to remember it exactly
but it can't be
cross the stars and galaxies
if you can't find me
i want to be found so badly
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17. |
plural (quiet bedrooms)
02:39
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i am not here like i used to be
i'm half-erased, perhaps a ghost, just pissing aimlessly
i am impatient, i want to be a snake
i want to feel the grass against my skin or on my face
i am plural; i guess i am two
but i say this body is not mine
does it belong to you? does it belong to you?
i am trying to do right by us
been swimming in this pool so long
there's water in my lungs
but i am singing, choking, some
i arrange a bowl of fruit, forget to eat it, and feel numb
i am plural, which i guess means i am two
but i say this body is not mine
does it belong to you? does it belong to you?
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18. |
snow (the spencer)
03:56
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there's nothing on the ground but snow
so i'm sorry that i stole all your clothes
you're wet you're wet you're wet
you have no clothes
so come into my bed and we'll stay warm
we'll hide out away from the storm
coz you're glowing and you're starting to show
you're glowing but you just don't know
you're wet you're wet you're wet
you have no clothes
please put on your clothes
get out of the snow
i don't believe in ghosts
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jordaan mason Toronto, Ontario
a confused human being singing songs about being a confused human being
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